Arbitrium
by Beckydaspatz
Summary: Buffy is having a hard time accepting that Spike is dead, she has to make a decision
1. Chapter 1

A.N. Surprise, surprise…more Buffy. Ignores the comics, cause I said so. Sorry if Faith is out of character I have never written her before. Going to be multiple chapters this one, so please stay tuned. Enjoy

Buffy was drunk. She didn't notice until she went to stand up and then the world tilted and she had to concentrate really hard so as not to fall. "Damn B. save some for the rest of us." She squinted up at the brunette suppressing a giggle. "Faith, you're all squishy." "Yeah, I'm sure I am as many as you have had." She placed her arm around Buffy for support. "I'm fine." She assured her, pushing off the other Slayer. "A-ok Buffy here." She grinned, attempting to stay upright. "You've had enough that even I would be struggling to stand." "I'm Buffy, I got this." She said stumbling forward two steps…she wobbled and had to grab a stool to keep from falling. "B!" Faith yelled rushing forward. "You ok?" Buffy met the worried eyes of her fellow Slayer and grinned. "Five by five." She mumbled as Faith escorted her out of the bar.

Buffy was quiet once they got in the car, and her face seemed to pale as she muttered. "I don't feel too good." Faith handed her a bag from the back without taking her eyes off the road. "Thanks." "Don't mention it." She sighed running a hand through her brunette locks, resisting the urge to pump the blonde for information. "Sorry you had to come get me." Buffy sighed. "Naw you don't have to be sorry unless you spew in my car, seats are brand new. Just got them reupholstered." "Ugh. Could you be any more crude?" Faith smirked at her. "You know I can."

More silence…Faith debated turning on the radio just to have some noise in the car. Her curiosity won out in the end. "So, what exactly were you doing drinking your sorrows away?" "No, not drinking my sorrows away…celebrating. Celebrating life and non demons and normalness. Normal Buffy." Faith met her eyes with a hint of sadness in them. "It's boring as shit huh?" All Buffy could do was nod.

"It's about more than that though, this is about him too." Faith stated. "Him? Who him?" She rolled her eyes in response stifling a chortle as Buffy feigned innocence. "You are about three boyfriends too late to be trying that doe eyed stare. You know who I am talking about tall, blond, hard in all the right places." Buffy shot her a glare, as Faith laughed. "Easy girl, I'm reformed remember. I wouldn't go there again, but I am not blind either." Buffy dropped her eyes back to the floor. "Sorry." "Don't sweat it." "I really was celebrating," she answered feebly. "Celebrating?" she quirked an eyebrow. "Alone?" Buffy huffed in her seat. "Well yeah I mean you can have a fun time by yourself." she pouted. "Usually not with alcohol though." Faith snickered. "OH!" she exclaimed, blush rising to her cheeks. "Grow up."

"But seriously B, it's only been two months it's ok if you miss him." Buffy glanced over at Faith, at her earnest expression. She REALLY didn't want to talk about it, least of all with Faith. She looked slightly hurt as her eyes turned back to the road. Buffy didn't know what to say. "You don't have to talk to me," she began, anxiously drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. "But you should talk to someone." She finished, cranking up the volume as a song filled the car.

Buffy felt like crap when she woke up in the morning. The roof of her mouth was dry and her body smelt of stale beer. Not to mention the unpleasant churn her stomach gave when she sat up. She caught a reflection of herself in the mirror, groaning in disgust as she fingered the knot in her hair. "So not cute." She muttered, retreated to the bathroom. As she ran the shower as hot as human possible, a second beast started to chew at her insides. Guilt.

Faith had done nothing but be a good friend to her and try to help her out and she had shut her down. Cut her off. But she couldn't talk about it, talk about him…to anyone. Her and Faith might have becoming closer since the events in Sunnydale, but she couldn't bring that subject to life. 'Spike' The one word became achingly clear in her mind, accompanied by his smirk, his all knowing eyes, a gentle gaze uncommon on his rough face. She had to lean her head against the tile, forcing back the sting behind her eyes as the image faded. It was too much to think about, too much for someone who had accepted the good, the bad and the unspeakably ugly side of her to not exist in this world.

She smiled at her fellow slayer, taking the aspirin and cup of water gratefully. "Was about to come in and see if you were dead, cause they I would finally be top bitch around here." "Nope still alive and kicking." "Damn." Faith playfully punched her shoulder, watching Buffy with concerned eyes. "What? I'm fine." "Fine? B, you downed about twice as much alcohol as a normal person could handle." "Slayer constitution, great for not dying of alcohol poisoning." "I'm serious." "When exactly did you become the mother hen?" Faith lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Someone has to pick up the slack." She teased. Buffy sighed wearily. "Ok, you obviously aren't going to let this go, so thanks for the help last night, really, but it won't happen again."

"Buffy," she replied. "This whole giving a damn about someone thing is new, so bear with me…but you have been really cut off. You sent Xander off to gather slayers, and Willow and Kennedy are off doing whatever and Dawn and Giles are in England. I've been where you're at; I mean granted by choice, but the more you are alone the worse it feels, the deeper you fall." Buffy met her eyes in surprise. "Wow that was extremely heartfelt." "Yeah well don't tell anyone. I'll lose my street cred." Buffy laughed. "Anyway I meant what I said, you have to find someone to talk to or you're gonna go nuts. And considering the last demon we fought you ripped his arm off and beat him to death with it, I would guess you are just about to blow." Buffy grinned sheepishly at her. "I'll talk to someone ok, I'll deal." "Good, cause I don't think I'm cut out for this babysitting crap." Buffy rolled her eyes as the brunette slayer walked out of the kitchen.

Her fingers perched about the phone, hands trembling. She took a breath to steady herself, shaking her head slightly. "You are the Slayer Buffy; you can take down demons, vampires, witches, handle apocalypses, die and come back from the dead, you can do this." She pressed the numbers rapidly, pushing the receiver into her ear, breathing a sigh of a relief when a cheery voice rang out on the other end. "Hiya Buffy!"


	2. Chapter 2

She ran a comb through her hair for the millionth time, checked her reflection in the mirror, straightened her shirt, and then repeated the process over and over again. She was so nervous, it had been several months since she had seen Willow, and to be honest, they haven't left on the best of terms. They sure as hell didn't make a "how to be friends with your friends after they have kicked you out of your house during an apocalypse" handbook…she wasn't sure of who she was going to say, how she would even start to mend their relationship, she wasn't sure of anything until the doorbell rang and Willow pulled her into a close hug. She was sure this girl was her best friend and she could forgive her of anything.

"You look good!" Willow chirped as she pulled back from the embrace. Buffy smiled at her. "Thanks so do you. South America really agrees with you." "Nah. I was burnt to a crisp the first month, so really sunscreen really agrees with me." "Oh. Well you look happy." "I am. Really, really happy…really happy in the way that's not." "Huh?" "Well I mean I don't want to be like whiney or anything…but…." "But?" "Kennedy is driving me crazy!" Willow burst out. "She already started with the L word." Willow whispered exasperated. "The L word?" Buffy inquired. "LOVE!" the red head wailed, plopping down on the couch. "I mean I like her Buffy, and the sex…the sex is out of this world. But love? I barely even know her and she keeps dropping that word over and over, and of course it's really awkward if you don't say it back, so I just keep saying it over and over. It is not of the good Buff." Buffy smiled slightly, patting her distressed friend on the shoulder. "I mean Buffy, it's not like with Tara, when I would look at her and just know, you know…when she would kiss me, it was like time would stop just for us, like nothing else existed except for her mouth and they way it made me feel. It was like being home." She looked sad, wistfully brushing at tears that had yet to fall from her eyes. "I'm sorry Will, I know how much you miss her." She shook her head, forcing a watery smile. "No, it's ok. I just…I still look for her in the morning, still check to see if she is calling…" she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Buffy, I feel like a bad person but when Kennedy and I…you know…I still close my eyes and pretend it's Tara." Her face flushed red.

She smiled kindly at her friend, trying to push back all of the feelings that came every time they talked about Tara. Good, kind, Tara, who had taken care of everyone. "It's okay to feel that way Willow." She didn't know what else to say to comfort her, she was running through a list of possibilities when Willow blurted. "I'm sorry!" "Again I say huh?" "I'm sorry Buffy." "For what?" "For kicking you out of your own home, for not trusting you, for…being mad at you for what happened to Xander, for everything." Buffy stared stunned at her unable to say anything, biting back the harsh words that rose in her throat. "It was my fault Will, I…what happened to Xander is on me." "No! I mean yeah…but no! You couldn't have possibly known what would happen, I know that. It was all just a horrible jumble of stuff, but…I blamed you, I blamed you for Tara death's…I just blamed you." "I never wanted what happened to happen, I just…I needed to keep you guys alive, to stop Caleb from picking off people who were my responsibility…instead I brought you guys too him on platter." 'A lot of stuff was going on Buffy, yet again all of it fell to you, I don't know how you have done it, I would have lost it a long time ago…I'm proud of you." Buffy looked at her friend, all resentment and distance melting away in the span it took the Slayer to lean over and crush her friend into a hug. "I love you Will, and it's been so lonely without you." Willow beamed, returning the embrace. "Love you too Buff."

They stayed that way for awhile, both enjoying the closeness and being reunited. "Oh Buffy," "Yeah?" "Could you ease up a little bit, I think one of my ribs is close to breaking?" "Oh!" she exclaimed, released her friend and smiling sheepishly at her. "Sorry!" Willow rubbed her side. "It's cool." Buffy was still smiling, genuinely happy for the first time in a while. "So spill." Willow stated catching Buffy off guard. "Spill what? What spilled?" "You spill. You didn't ask me over here for this reunion as great as it has been. What's up? You said you needed to talk." Her heart fell as she mumbled. "Oh that." "What is it?" "It's…well…It's… this whole thing is about," "Spike." Willow finished for her as Buffy nodded miserably.

Willow sighed once. "Oh boy," she started. "Will, you don't have to say anything; I know you didn't really like him, hell no one really liked him." "No I did like him." "But you and Xander, and Giles you guys all hated him." "Well I didn't, I mean we weren't the best of friends, but he took care of Dawn and you…and Xander will kill me when he hears me say this. Screw 'em!" "Excuse me?" "Screw 'em! When I was with Tara I cared so much about what you guys would think of her that I alienated her from the group, really in a perfect world we would just accept the people we loved have chosen to love. So I was cool with him, until he tried to rape you and then…well when I found out, it was really hard not to go all veiny again…then he got his soul for you, things kinda changed after that. He loved you Buffy, he really, really loved you." Buffy's face was scrunched up as she tried to fight back the wave of emotions. "I know." She finally whispered as Willow took one of her hands. "Did you love him?" Buffy chuckled, a sad sound in the otherwise silent house. "I think I may have…yeah." "But? I'm sensing a but coming on," "He didn't believe me, I told him right before he sacrificed himself for me, for all of us, but he didn't believe me." She leapt to her feet suddenly. "And why should he, all I ever did was treat him like shit! I used him and abused him, and was more evil to him than I even thought I had in me, and still, still he loved me. We put each other through hell and still, he loved me, he accepted me, for what I am, not what he wanted me to be. "

Buffy was crying now, streams of tears sliding down her cheeks. "What can I do to help? I want to help." Willow clasped one of the Slayers hand in her own. "I told him too late Will, he was the only reason I found the strength in that battle and I told him too late." "Maybe it's not too late." "What do you mean?" "Well…maybe, I can contact him…ghosty him. So you can tell him." You can do that?" "Never have before, but considering I brought forth a whole army of Slayers, I'm thinking yes." Buffy wiped at her eyes, clasping the witches' other hand. "Ok Will, let do it."


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. Sorry it has taken me forever and a day to update, but I had finals and then my birthday and mostly life just got in the way…soon to come SPUFFY! YAY: D

"There is a trick." The red head said pointedly causing the blonde to quirk an eyebrow in her direction. "A trick? You mean like pulling a bunny out of a hat or like the girl being able to squeeze into a tiny box… that kind of trick?" "No I mean like you have to walk all of his memories to be sure that you love him, I mean really love him." Buffy bit the corner of her lip, worried it a bit. "Not sure how I feel about walking Spike 's memories…is there another way?" "Not if you want to tell him, the spell is very specific, if you aren't sure you love him then you will get stuck in limbo forever." "I suck at that game." She grumbled. "It's pretty easy Buffy, I say a chant, you sit in a sacred circle and you walk Spike memories, tell him what you need to say and presto! You are back home before you even know you are gone." "I don't know Will, I mean I love ya, but you know I get wigged when it comes to magic." "You were all for it last night." She pouted slightly "yeah well that was last night, now I am freaking a bit." Willow eyeballed her. "It's a big deal, like what if I walk his memories and then lose my nerve, so it takes me to ghosty him and I just go blank…then we stare at each other for some undetermined amount of time and I come back feeling worse." "We don't have to if you don't feel comfortable Buff." She tugged on an rebellious strand of hair and looked up at Willow. "I want to see him…God I want to see him so bad, it's just…" she broke off as Willow took one of her hands. "It's just what?" "Maybe I should leave it alone, maybe he doesn't need to know." Willow smiled softly at her friend, looking older and wiser than her 22 years. "The decision is yours to make Buffy; you need to decide if you can live with him not knowing." She held back the retort on the tip of her tongue, wishing for once that Willow wasn't so damn smart. A few minutes of silence passed as Buffy picked at a thread on her bedspread. Finally she met her friends' eyes. "What would you do?" "Me?" "Yeah if you could say goodbye to Tara, what would you do? Even if that was it, no happy ending, no white picket fence…just goodbye. What would you do?" A moment passed as she replied sadly. "I would steal any second I could with her, even if it was just goodbye."Buffy blew out a shaky breath, and forced a grin at her friend. "Great! Sign me up." She replied cheerfully.

Willow tried to stifle a laugh as she watched a perturbed Buffy plopped down in the middle of the sacred circle. "I'm pretty sure you made me wear this damn hat just to make fun of me." She muttered, fingering the feather crown on her head. "No..I swear…" she broke off covering her mouth. "It's part of the ritual." "Yeah the make Buffy look like an ass part…" Willow sighed deeply, clearing her throat as she began to read the incantation. Buffy tried to calm her nerves as Willow took each of her hands into her own. "You have to clear your mind Buffy; don't think about anything but Spike." "Spike," she whispered. Just his name sent an onslaught of emotions running through her. The air was thick with magic as Willow continued, tracing a pattern of symbols in the sand that adorned the ground. Buffy didn't recognize the language she was speaking, but electricity arced in the room, racing up and down her arms, sending tiny jolts through her body. Shadows played across the walls as her breath became more shallow, she was having trouble breathing in and out, as the symbols glowed a dull red color. Spike's voice was almost a whisper in the room as Willows hair was beginning to turn white. "Uh…Will…" Buffy stuttered, voice catching in her throat. Willow didn't answer, just continued to murmur, her voice low.

She could feel the pull of the spell and as Willow voice rose, a bulb overhead popped. "Take Buffy to her beloved, lost to death and time, take Buffy to a place where she can decide! Let her walk his mind, let her see his heart, let her say goodbye before they should part!" Her body was falling back, and back and back….Willow was yelling something but her voice sounded like a whisper as a familiar voice said. "What can I tell you Baby, I've always been bad."

Willow fell face first into the floor, breathing heavily as she tried to catch her breath. Ok note to self, when performing ancient long forgotten love spells, make sure that said subject is dead first! She pushed up on her elbows and stared down at the comatose Slayer. Spike was alive… "Well," she huffed, blowing a stray piece of hair from her face. "This should be interesting."


	4. Chapter 4

A.N : I don't know if it was ever clear if Buffy knew about Cecily telling Spike she was beneath him, but for this story she doesn't. K? K? Good So finally we get some Spuffy(pretty much what I live for) Aaaannnndddd Enjoy! Also A LOT of this chapter is taking from Fool for Love. Whedon owns all…blah blah blah :P

She had to blink a few times to adjust to her surroundings; everyone around her was wearing Victorian style clothing, but Buffy was fixated on a young man perched on a sofa, his hand twitching across parchment. She moved a step closer, and then braved another step. "No way." She breathed softly. A man named William was roughly ten feet from her, tapping his quill impatiently on the paper in his hand. He is muttering to himself, looking irately at paper in front of him. "Care for a hors d'oeuvre sir?" a passing waiter inquired, dipping his tray in front of the man. The man looked up excitedly. "Oh quickly! I'm in the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming? It's a perfectly perfect word as many words go but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see." The waiter smiles patronizingly and moved off in the crowd. Spike looked up, his eyes drawn to woman across the room that is just entering the party. "Cecily..." he breathes before scribbling back on his paper.

She watches him for a few seconds before he stands up and moves towards the crowd, paper in hand. He is close enough that she could reach out and touch him, but she doesn't just follows him to the crowd of people, watching his face with interest. She can't hear what they are saying, but Spike's face darkens and the woman who he was so transfixed on, walks away from the crowd. He gives the crowd an angry look, snatches the poem out of their hands and joins Cecily on the couch. Buffy follows, feeling like she is looking in on a private moment as Spike pleads with her. "Oh I know…it's sudden and, please if they are no good, they're only words. But the feeling behind them…" he breaks off proclaiming. "I love you Cecily." "Please stop!" she cried, utterly mortified. Spike puffed his chest out. "I know that I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man and all I ask is that…that you try to see me." She shook her head slightly meeting the man's eyes. "I do see you. That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William…You're beneath me." Buffy sucks in a breath, pain sharp in her chest as the woman hurries off. She could barely stand to look at the devastation on his handsome face.

Suddenly the scene changed, Spike was leaning into the Slayers face, lust flooding from his eyes. "What the hell are you doing?" Buffy cried, flinching in disgust. Spike gripped her arms tightly. "Come on. I can feel it Slayer. You know you want to dance." She looks up at him, challenging his gaze. "Say it's true. Say I do what to." She shoves him roughly to the ground, glaring with disgust at him. "It wouldn't be you Spike. It would NEVER be you." She tosses the wad of cash at him, spitting out her next words. "You're beneath me." She stalks off, leaving Spike covered in money. Buffy watched herself disappear in the shadows, her heart stuttering painfully in her chest as she watches Spike gather the cash, stifling sobs. "Oh Spike, "she mourned. "I'm so sorry." He sucked in a deep breath, staring off with rage in his eyes at the path Buffy had just taken home.

Flash…she is sitting on her porch now, inhaling a shaky breath as tears course down her face. She is trying to hold it together. She fails and plunges her head into her knees. Soft footsteps alert her to another presence in the yard and she looks up startled, surprise quickly turning to disgust on her face. "What do you want now?" It is Spike that has interrupted her moment of grief, murder glinting in his eyes. He catches her expression, softens immediately as he lowers the shotgun he is holding. "What's wrong?" she averts her gaze stating softly. "I don't want to talk about it." His head tilts, offering. "Is there something I can do?" Silence is the only answer he gets as he sits next to her on the porch, placing the gun beside him. He lifts a hand, awkwardly patting her back for a few seconds. They look off into the distance, both letting out a sigh as heavy as the weight of the world.

Buffy watched from the bushes, her heart heavy in her chest, remembering the devastating fear for her mother, and the cold camaraderie from the vampire that had joined her in her misery. He had said little the whole night, knowing if he could offer no solution he was better off staying silent. She didn't know how he could know what she had needed from him, and why out of everyone in her life Spike was the only one who understood what she was going through, she never thought to thank him. She didn't even say goodbye when he left, she just babbled on and off all night long. He never mentioned it to her again, didn't hold it against her, didn't use it to try and gain anything from her. Buffy didn't know how she could have been so blind.


	5. Chapter 5

A.N : Hello all! I am updating...yay :) A special shout out to xXriujooXx for writing me a nice review and assuring that someone is reading this. Also some of this will be taken from Intervention and The Gift and some of it will be straight from my wacky mind. Have a wonderful day

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or any of the character, I ask for them every Christmas though

Props to Joss and the writers for making such a fantastic show.

She didn't notice how beat up he was. All she could see back then was the red bullseye placed directly over his heart and the words. "insert stake here" She wasn't interested in how damaged he was, just if he had sold out her and Dawn. She could barely see his mouth move, but she knew he was telling her. "Yeah? I feel real sexy." there was more cheerful noise made from her, she had to admit, she gave a great "Buffy bot" impersonation. A pained cough as the vampire straightened. "No! You can't not ever, Glory never finds out." "Why?" "Because Buffy...the other not so pleasant Buffy, if anything ever happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. Couldn't live with her being in that much pain...let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did." She watched as her face softened and she leaned into to kiss him gently. His face was swollen, adorned in multiple cuts, a finger shaped hole in his chest. He had endured all of that for Dawn...for her. "What you did for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it." The sound of the crypt door opening and closing and then silence as Spike stared after her. She wanted to reach up and touch him, wanted to trace purpling of his face with kisses. Her hand shook as she reached out, inches from his face, a breath away now.

She was standing in the kitchen, momentarily disoriented as she tried to figure out what memory she was in. It took a total of three seconds before she heard. "I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man and thats..." he breaks off as she crosses into the hallway, gazing at him. He shakes his head slightly stating. "Get your stuff. I'll be here." She turns of the steps, continues up into her room. If only she had known, she would have said something...anything. She would have praised him for helping her, she would have expressed some gratitude. She was so concentrated on Dawn, on the fight. Her instincts and fear took over, drowning any other emotion under the intensity of them. He collected the weapons waiting for her to descend the stairs again and when she did they shared a stare. Spike opened his mouth to speak, stopped by Buffy holding up a hand. "I can't Spike...I just can't." "Right." he said quickly, ducking his head in shame. She looked like she might want to speak but Spike opened the door with a slight nod. "Ladies first." They were silent all the way back to the Magic Box.

He was sobbing brokenly, rocking back and forth as Giles approached her body. He covered his face, anguish pouring from him with each cry. Dawn was limping towards him, one hand pressed to her side, tears racing down her face. Giles was checking for a pulse, he cursed, checked again. "Buffy?" Willow cried softly, leaning into her girlfriend for support. "She's gone." Giles uttered, taking his glasses from his face as his eyes pooled with tears. "Spike?" Dawn inquired, breathing in shakily. Xander was silent, trying to be strong for Anya, trying not to acknowledge the body. Spike looked up at Dawn, his eyes tortured. She met his eyes as well, trying to control the flood, the barrage of sorrow the was taking her over. He crawled to her then, the sun blistering his skin. He didn't care. "Buffy?" he questioned softly, brushing a piece of hair from her face. "Come on then Slayer. Get up." he gave her shoulder a soft shake. "Fights over, you won." he shook her a little more roughly this time. "Buffy!" he yelled this time, fighting against Giles as he pushed him away. "For God's sake Spike!" Giles cried out as Spike kicked him and ran back to the unmoving Slayer. "You can't die!" he raged, being restrained by Xander and Giles, pulled back into the shadows as flames licked at his hands. "You just can't! Jesus..." his voice caught, as he fought back a sob. "Buffy!" "Spike!" Dawn yelled, gripping his hand tightly. He looked down at her, remorse painted across his features as he sunk to the ground besides her. "I'm sorry Bit." he stated, his eyes traveling to their conjoined hands. "God Dawn, I'm so sorry." her breath hitched as she fell into him sobbing openly into his shirt. He put one arm around her, joining her in grief as the rest of the gang watched.

"Bloody waste of time this is." "Well what do you suggest we do then?" Dawn retorted, huffing in annoyance at the blond vampire. "Hell if I know." "What do you have against television anyway?" "i don't have a problem with the tele, just with the sodding crap you want to watch." "The O.C. is not crap...plus Ryan's really hot." she pouted as Spike chuckled softly. "Fine Niblet we'll watch the show. Just don't expect me to pay attention." "Well Spike what do _you_ want to do?" "Me? I dunno, wouldn't say no to some cards." "Cards?" "Yeah you know aces, kings, queens, jacks. Cards." she stared dumbfounded at him. "Do you mean to tell me that no one has every taught you poker?" she shook her head at him. "Oh Dawn, you're in for a treat." he smirked at her pulling a deck from his back pocket. "Can we play for money?" Dawn chirped. "Money? Don't think big sis would go for..." he broke off, catching her stricken eyes. "Sorry." he stated, running a hand through his unruly hair. "Sometimes I forget." she laid one hand on top of his, meeting his eyes with a sad grin. "It's okay Spike...I miss her too."

His hand rest on her doorknob, trembling slightly. She watched as he took an unsteady breath and swung the door open. "God." he breathed, stepping into the room. He ran his fingers along her bedspread, fiddling with the shirt that lay on it. He brought it to his face, inhaling deeply. "Buffy." he sighed, starting as Dawn entered the room. "Spike, what are you doing?" he turned, looking nervously at the brunette teenage. "Dawn, I was um..." "Sniffing my sisters things." "Well...yeah." She shook her head at him, as he placed the clothing back on the bed. "That's kind of weird Spike." "I know." he bowed his head, trying to hide the embarrassment on his face. He lowered himself to the bed and she joined him. "I just..." he broke off, took a deep breath started again. "I just," "You just what?" "It should have been me." he said finally. He didn't need to explain, she understood the feeling perfectly. "Or me." she whispered. His head whipped up quickly. "No Dawn, don't ever say that." she stood then, anger plain as day on her face. "If I had died Spike, then everything would be okay! You and the Scoobies wouldn't be exhausted from patrolling, and Buffy...she would be here! I'm not even fucking real!" He reached out and grabbed her hand. "Now listen here, Buffy knew what she was doing, knew what it meant. She saved you Dawn, she saved all of us. She knew you were damn important, too damn important to lose." He smiled at her. "Sides," he gave her hand a squeeze. "You feel real enough to me." Dawn didn't know what to say, couldn't find words. He lead her out of the room closing the door with a soft click. It was silent for a long time before her turned and clapped both hands together. "Right then! Isn't your show on,the one with the annoying chipper angst ridden teenagers that remind me of Angel?" She shook off the woe that had followed from the room, answering him. "You know you like it." and she trotted down the steps. "Do not!" he called after her. Buffy had to hold in the chuckle that rose up in her throat. Spike had never told her how close him and Dawn had become in her absence. Then again, she had never asked.


	6. Chapter 6

A.N. Time for the next chapter ...YAY! This is the chapter that if you are uncomfortable with sexually explicit situations, you might want to skip. Also as this will be my first time writing a sexual experience you might want to skip it =P That being said thank you so much for your reviews xXriujooXx, they mean so much to me! Hope I do you proud.

Oh yeah Joss owns all

She was on the staircase, staring down into the most soulful blue eyes she had ever seen. She remembered this moment, remembered how smoothness of the wood felt under her finger nails, remembered Dawn's voice. She didn't notice the tears lingering in the vampires eyes, the absolute astonishment at her existence. She couldn't hear anything back then over the flickering of the lights, and the constant buzz in her ears. She watched as he instructed Dawn to get bandages and led her gently to the living room, cradling her hands in his own. She hadn't noticed then how soft his touch was, as if he was afraid she would break. She'd never seen that look in his eyes before. "Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today." he looked at her with a slight smile, something unbelievably sweet shimmering in his eyes. "'Cept today doesn't count, does it?" She says nothing in response, still too shell shocked too do much more than breathe. The gang bursts in and the moment is gone, Spike leaves.

His mouth closes over her nipple as a sharp hiss escapes her mouth. She wants to tell him to stop, wants to push him away but her hands, her treacherous hands, are sliding underneath his shirt, clawing at the sculpted muscles beneath. "Spike,"she whimpers, as his tongues tortures the heightened peak. He makes no move to stop, instead kisses a path to her navel, humming against her skin. "Wait,"she whispers, all but choking the purr that is rising in her throat. Spike growls, his teeth gripping the button on her pants. He pulls it roughly, lips sliding over silk and moving to forbidden territory. "If you want me to stop Slayer, you're going to have to stop me." She doesn't and he shows her just how bad he can be.

Buffy feels uncomfortable watching herself and Spike, but she can't seem to look away. On her face is pleasure, raw and carnal. On his is ecstasy. As if he is dreaming and he has to make this moment last for as long as he can before he wakes up. He tries to be gentle, tries to kiss her softly, but she grabs his head and forces her tongue into his mouth, challenging him. Spike is up to the task and the lovemaking quickly turns back to fucking, fast and violent. She can almost see the smirk on her face as she is pulled into another memory.

"Come on Slayer, say it." his voice is low. "No Spike!" she cries and tries to push him off of her. He pins her body to him, one hand inching towards her jeans. "You know it's the truth." "Is not."she breathes, trying to resist the pull toward him. "Nothing to be ashamed of, just sayin' the hero worship gets you off." "Oh!" she yells, shoving him away from her. "You're sick Spike! And you don't know what your talking about." she moves towards the crypt door, letting out a quick gasp as Spike pulls her into his bare chest. "Really?" he murmurs into her ear, letting his teeth tug on the lobe. "Yuh-huh." she assures weakly. "Because you Buffy Summers, are a goddess. A vision, so beautiful and hot and," his hand slips under her jeans, toying with the elastic band of her panties. "So bloody perfect." it's like a prayer on his lips. He says it so quiet she can't even be sure he spoke as his fingers ghost over her opening. Suddenly he plunges two of them into her as she barks out a cry. Just as suddenly he pulls back his fingers, glistening with her juices. He looks at her triumphantly. "Doesn't get you off huh?" he leers at her, popping one finger into his mouth. He opens his mouth to speak, a smart ass comment ready to be dispensed. He doesn't get to, Buffy turns around and crushes his mouth to her own, attacking him with a fierceness that she didn't know she had in her until this moment. She is addicted to how out of control she can be with Spike.

There are dozens of memories she drifts through, some of them sexual, some of them just her and Spike bantering, they all make her miss him horribly. And then suddenly she is standing at the lower level of his crypt, where Spike is nervously fiddling with a lighter. "Bloody hell!" he shouts, almost dropping the candle in his grasp. She is confused as to what he is doing as she circles the room slowly. He is donned in a dark blue button up shirt, hair slicked back and he smells like cologne. The room is dimly lit with dozens of candles and a vase with roses sits in the middle of the table, some sort of food is arranged on the table, Spike is nervously straightening the roses. Trying to make sure everything is perfect...for her. She had never seen this effort and as a slightly pissed off voice called "Spike!" from above she knew why. "What is it love?" he questioned, trying to take her in his arms. "Shut up."she commanded, mouth descending on his. Moments later his shirt was throw to the floor as she straddled him there. Afterwards she wiped her mouth as she always did, pulled on her jeans and left. Spike cursed and went down to the lower level to clean up the doomed attempt to romance her. Buffy hated herself as she watched him throw out the roses, and toss the candles in a box that was shoved under his bed. "Spike, I didn't know...I didn't want to know."

"I'm gonna make you feel it." his hands were on her, tearing, demanding that she give herself up to him. She was sore, splayed on the bathroom floor, trying to fight the panic that strangled her gut. "Let yourself love me." he begged, pressing his hips into her. "Spike no!" she cried, pressing her hands into his chest. "I could feel it, when I was inside of you." he was desperate. She was crying now. "Please don't." she pleaded. He couldn't hear her, couldn't hear anything other than the rage fueled lust that was consuming him. 'Take her, take her, take her' "No! STOP!" her foot was on his chest as she gave one final frantic shove. It worked and Spike hit her bathroom wall, his eyes clearing instantly. "Ask me again why I could never love you?" she spat, repulsion clear on her face. "Buffy my God, I didn't" "Because I stopped you!" she had tears in her eyes, clutching her robe to her. "Something I should have done a long time ago." He didn't say anything to her, couldn't meet her eyes as he rushed out of the house. She sat and pulled her knees into her chest and sobbed. Buffy watched, holding in the nausea that rose within her. The things he did to her, the look on his face, the despair on hers. This was a memory she would gladly forget. And yet it was part of the monster that would always be in Spike, and the man that he had fought to become.

A.N. Ending it here, only a couple of chapters left (that I know of anyway lol) Sorry if you don't like this, but I thought Buffy was SUCH a bitch to Spike up until the attempted rape scene. It kills me that Joss made his character go there, but alas I don't own them. Or Buffy and Spike would be together and Anya would have never died. All right that's about it. Oh and I am COMPLETELY against rape, I can hardly watch that scene because it makes me so mad...but Angel did awful things to Buffy and yet everyone was more than willing to forgive him at the drop of a hat. Ok I'm getting off my soap box. Happy days everyone :)


	7. Chapter 7

A.N. - Next chapter coming at you. This ones for you xXriujooXx (ok ok since you are the only one I know is loving this, they are pretty much all for you =D) Enjoy!

All of these amazingly complex characters belong to Joss **sigh**

She was in the middle of the desert somewhere, watching a small figure huddle up against a cave wall. "Spike." she mouthed, waking towards him. His face was contorted in pain, and he was clawing at himself. "Out," he muttered, tearing into his flesh, skin scraping against now dull fingernails. "OUT!" he cried, bashing his head against the rock wall behind him. She instinctively reached out to touch him, to make him stop, letting out a soft sigh as her fingers passed through him. "Doesn't fit, too tight, hot, burns." he is mumbling incoherently, words lost as he drops his head to his knees and sobs. Buffy chokes back a sob herself, staring at the wrecked man in front of her. "Shouldn't touch, don't touch...not right." he has lifted his head and she can see the tears gleaming as they run down his face. "Don't have permission, can't be here.." he brakes off, grasping for a rock. "I'm sorry Buffy." he states his eyes clear of madness for a second as he plunges the rock into the already jagged tears by his heart. "Spike, don't!" she screams, futilely reaching for him.

Her hands close on air as she is greeted by silence. She looks around, she is in a church, the only thing she can make out is an ivory silhouette draped across the crucifix. When she watched him before, she could only cry silently, waiting a moment to long before she pull the tortured being from his torment. Now...now she could see his face, peaceful, and calm. It was poetry of sorts watching this man, this creature with nothing but innocence on his lovely face. "Can we rest now Buffy?" She was speechless then...she was speechless now.

His back was turned from her as he ranted. "Don't need anyone to take care of me, I've done a'ight by myself." Buffy scoffed, taking in his surrounding. "Alright? Spike your living in a basement, eating rats..." she paused looking him over. "And don't even get me started on the smell." It was one of the many conversation that she had had with Spike about leaving the crazy making basement. "Oi!" he yelped suddenly, turning to face her. "I do NOT smell." She scrunched up her nose to get across the point. "You really, REALLY do." He smiled briefly at her teasing, before remembering the injustice he had done to her. She catches his expression, suddenly stoic. "You need to leave Spike, I'll find you somewhere to stay, just get up and come with me." her humor is gone, the camaraderie replaced by a hardened shell. He is fighting to stay in this moment with her...losing as another Buffy is talking to him softly. She sees the glaze in his eyes, shakes her head in disgust and leaves.

She hadn't tried to touch him, not once since he had been in her house. But as she watched him thrash in pain on his cot, she wanted to comfort him. He bolted up, eyes darting back and forth as he glanced around. Suddenly he took an unneeded breath, sighing as he ran a hand through his unkempt hair. "Buffy, what are you doing here?" "Watching you." "Right. See anything interesting?" "Just wanted to make sure you were okay..." she broke off, taking note of the indenting red rings on his wrists from the chains. "Sounded like you were struggling." He look abashed as he gave a half shrug. "Yeah, just bad dreams...I'm fine now." She tilted her head at him. "You don't look fine." He met her earnest stare, touched at the softness in them. She broke contact, shying away from the spark that fizzled between them. "Sorry. I'll try to keep down the racket." "That'd be good." A minute passed as they shared amicable silence. He looked like he was going to say something else, but a shrill "Buffy!" could be heard upstairs. "I have to..." "Right then. No worries. Off you go." "Okay." She swallowed, wanting to say something...anything that might be of some solace to him. She settled for silence as she left him alone.

"You're the one Buffy." his voice was sure and true. Nothing but honesty in it. "I don't want to be the one." hers was small and lost. Weary and afraid. He had joked then, making some egotistical remark that made her chuckle and she had fallen. Head over heels in love with the vampire who sat in front of her. She hadn't said it then, had only begged him to stay, to hold her. And he had done so, cradling her against his unbeating heart as if she were the only precious thing left in the world. "Spike I wanted to," "Don't." his chest rumbled underneath her as his grip tightened. She had wanted to thank him, wanted to express how much this meant to her. Instead she left him to wake up in empty bed. The Slayer's job was never done.

She was surprised when he flinched. "Spike? What is it?" "Nothing." he assured her quickly, rolling away in the process. She pulled him back towards her, fingers clamped on his arm. "No... you have something face." He shrugged her off of him. "It's nothing, just tired is all. Big day tomorrow." "Yeah, well most apocalypses go down in my books as a big day, but you are avoiding the question." "Am not." "Yes you are, you are being all avoidy." "I'm not being avoidy." he said slightly irritated. "When exactly are you going to stop making up words anyway?" She playful slugged his arm. "Shut up."and leaned in to kiss him. She was met with a shoulder. "Okay." she stated, knitting her eyebrows together. "What the hell is going on?" "Nothing." "Bullshit!" she yelled, shoving him. "Hey! Easy there Summers, not all of us are as strong as you." He tried to joke, to take the tension away from the moment. It didn't work. "Why won't you let me kiss you?" she cried as he tried to feign indifference. "Can't we just go to sleep?" "No! Not until you answer me!" she was getting upset now, fighting to keep her tone level. He bowed his head. "Do you really have to ask?" he whispered softly. She touched his arm gently. He tensed beneath her. "That's all in the past Spike."

His eyes met hers fiercely. "Bullocks!" he growled, pushing her away from him. "Spike," she tried, gently this time as he whirled on her. "Don't you get it?" he yelled, fighting back the bile rising in his throat. "I can't touch you! Not like that...not after..." he broke, hands gripped so tight that his knuckles turned white. His voice dropped, barely more than a disgusted sigh. "I could never," She gripped one hand, as he met her face. "Spike, it's okay." He scoffed at her, pulling his hands back into his lap. "No, Buffy, it's not okay...these hands... God what I have done with these bloody hands." He held them up to his face. "They will never be clean." She sighed, taking the aforementioned hands in her own. "These hands held me close and gave me strength that I desperately needed. These are the hands of a good man." He looked at her shocked, trying to keep his composure as she leaned in to kiss each digit. "Buffy, love...I can't touch you. I buggered that all up. I just can't." She smiled tenderly at him fingers flitting over his chest. "Okay Spike, you don't have to touch me." He looked immensely relieved as she rested her forehead on his chest. "Thank you pet." She played with the curls at the back of his neck, gazing up at him with naked adoration. "This time...I will touch you." It was the last thing she said to him before they made love for the first time.

A.N. - Soooo...what did you think? This is how the last night with Spike should have went.( in my opinion only) Well..let me know what you think:)


	8. Chapter 8

A.N. Sooo…onto chapter 8! Buffy will be making an appearance in Angel's world (season 5, after Fred died, while Angel is attempting to work on his Circle of the Black thorn deception plan) xXriujooXx, thanks for being such a faithfully reader 3

"_I love you." "No you don't but thanks for sayin it." _She braced herself as she was whipped from that memory, grateful to whatever God existed that she didn't have to stay and watch Spike burn. She was already swallowing a sob so she could greet Spike with a smile. Time seemed to stand still, as she ran through her goodbye speech in her head. How was she going to be able to say goodbye? What could she possibly say to him that would encompass all the things she felt? Why did she think this was a good idea? What was taking so long? Her mind was racing with questions and her stomach gave a violent lurch as she was pulled to an abrupt stop. She reached out to steady herself, shocked when her hand closed on a handle. "Where the hell am I?" she inquired, pulling on the handle. She was greeted by a blinding light accompanied by a frantic jostle of feet as she tried to take in her surroundings. Suits, lots and lots of people, some blonde bimbo sitting at a mahogany desk …and demons? She knew that this wasn't heaven…she remembered the peace and tranquility. This…well this…this had to be hell. Her heart clenched in her chest as she muttered a soft. "No." she shook her head. "No. He can't be here. He doesn't deserve to be here." She tried to grab onto the nearest person, letting out a frustrated grunt as her hands closed on air. "Come on!" she yelled, jumping as a door to her right opened up.

"Spike, you are NOT coming with me! And this is the last time I am telling you verbally." A familiar voice threatened as a pale hand slammed the door shut. Buffy shook her head, once, twice. NO WAY had she just heard Angel. She opened the door and came face to face with… "Spike!" she gasped, his name catching in her throat. She was dazed as her eyes rested on the other vampire in the room. "Angel." She whispered. 'Both of the men I love are dead.' She thought dismally holding back the tears that were filling in her eyes. "Well where are you goin'? Spike asked as Angel glared at him. "That falls into the category of none of your damn business." He growled. Spike chuckled softly. "Oooh. Hit a nerve did I peaches?" "Spike! For the last time, you are not coming. And don't call me peaches." "But you used to love it before…" he pouted. Angel groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What are you doing in here anyway?" "Well if I had to watch you brood for one more second, I was going to stake you myself." Angels' eyes met his angrily. "You mean you would try." "Took you on once old man, pretty sure I could manage it again." Angel said nothing, just rose from his chair with a murderous glance. Spike faltered from half a second, thrown by the pure hatred in his eyes. Finally he sighed heavily. "Look, I am not thrilled about following you around either, but since I have decided to stay and fight the good fight you might as well get some use out of me." Fine," he started, gritting his teeth. "You can start by cleaning up every mess you have made since you got here!" he roared, crossing the room to circle the platinum male. Spike didn't have enough time to defend himself as Angel pushed open the doors and launched him into the main lobby with a hefty punch. "Stay out of my way Spike…last warning."

The doors closed with an ominous click as Spike wiped at the red streak of blood that was running down his face. "Poofter." He muttered darkly, pushing himself up on his elbows. "Ok…what the hell is going on?" Buffy asked to no one in particular, staring down at the blonde vampire as if she expected an answer. The blonde bimbo came running from behind the desk, just as Buffy recognized her. "Harmony!" she cried as Harmony put her hands on her hips and glowered at Spike. "Oh man! Do you have any idea how hard it is getting blood out of the carpet?" she held up her hand towards him. "And my nails haven't even dried!" Spike rose to his feet, shaking his duster back into place. "Thanks ever so for the concern." "Well do you always have to antagonize him?" "I wasn't!" he sputtered. "Well he started it!" Harmony gave him a sympathetic pat on the back. "He has been super grouchy lately." "Yeah like he has an even bigger stick up his ass than usual." "Well everyone has been kinda wiggy since…" she broke off and Spike ran a hand through his hair. "Right well…think I'll go check on Wes. See how he's getting on." He turned and stalked off. "Wesley?" Buffy questioned aloud as a loud chirping sounded from the desk. "Oh!" Harmony exclaimed, rushing to answer the phone. "Wolfram and Hart Offices, Harmony speaking how may I help you?" Buffy stared at Harmony, the gears in her brain working overtime. "Wolfram and Hart… that would mean…" She whirled to glare at the leather silhouette that was quickly fading down the hallway. "SPIKE!" she roared, enraged as she felt the pull of the spell taking her away. Within moments she was gone.

Spike spun around so fast he almost fell over as he looked for the owner of the seriously brassed off voice he could have sworn he just heard. Nothing…no Buffy, just silence all the way down. In the distance he could hear Harmony mindlessly chattering on about something. He shrugged both shoulders and continued his decent to Wesley's office. "Weird." He stated, shaking off a shiver that was working its way into his bones.

Afterword: Sooo…what did you think? I kinda liked it. Hope I did you proud xXriujooXx. Stay with me only a couple more chapters to go.


	9. Chapter 9

A.N. NEXT! : P Chapter 9 coming at you. Joss owns everything

Buffy bolted up so fast that she collided with a certain red head that was hovering over her. "OW!" they cried simultaneous. "Buffy!" she gasped pulling her into a hug. "You're back." She breathed a sigh of relief into the blondes shoulder. "Yes I'm back. Was I not supposed to be?" she questioned. "And what exactly were you doing leaning almost on top of me?" Willow pulled back blushing slightly. "Well I moved you from the floor to the bed; I wasn't sure how long you were going to be out." She explained hastily. "I had just gotten you up here when you woke up." "What?" she inquired, slightly dazed from the after affects of the spell. "How long have I been gone?" Willow checked the clock on the wall. "About five minutes." Dozens of images flashed across her mind as she stood up suddenly. "Spike! He's alive!" "Yeah you noticed that too. I wasn't sure how the spell was going to work since he was alive." She whirled on Willow suddenly. "You knew?" Willow backed away from the seething Slayer. "Not until I did the spell I swear! And I tried to tell you. But by then it was too late. I promise." Buffy held a hand to her forehead as the room swayed. "I know. Sorry Will, I don't know what's wrong with me." "Your emotions are all screwy. Its fine, after affect of the spell. It should pass in a minute." Buffy shook her head in agreed, pulling her hair back from her face. "Yeah, "she paused, letting out a tense breath "Yeah. I feel really tense." "Try to breathe through it; it should pass in a minute." Willow took her by the shoulders, leaning her forehead against hers.

Buffy felt the tension draining from her body, as she took in long drawl out breath, within several minutes she was breathing normal again. Willow pulled back. "Did it work?" she asked. Buffy wasn't sure how to answer that. "Um…yeah I walked his memories." "Yay me!" she looked positively delighted until Buffy narrowed her eyes at her. "Sorry. You were saying?" She moved past Willow, letting her hair fall back down to her shoulders. "I need to see him." "Buffy, are you sure?" "More than ever." She said softly. "She grabbed a coat from her closet, sliding it on quickly. "Buffy," "What Will?" "Just a thought, but if you are wanting your decisions to be accepted by the rest of us… You should tell the others before you go." Buffy stared at her for a minute. "Cause me I'm all for it, I'm like Go Buffy! Find the man you love! But Xander, Giles, even Dawn…you should tell them." She finished. Buffy nodded in agreement. "I'll call them on the way." She moved over to hug Willow tightly. "Thank Willow. I'll call you when I get there." Willow smiled into her hair. "Anytime Buff."

"Hello?" "Giles! Hi! it's Buffy." "Hello Buffy. Is everything alright?" "Yeah, can't I just call to say hi?" there was a pointed silence on the other end of the phone. "Right…so…how have you been?" she tried her hand at small talk and failed miserably. "Buffy, what is it?" She clenched her hands on the steering wheel, trying hard to get the words out. "You know that thing we never talk about?" "There are a numerous number of things we never talk about; to be sure to what you are referring I would need you to elaborate." 'He just couldn't make this easy…could he?' She thought before stating "Spike." "Oh. That thing." "Well the thing is he's alive and I just did a memory walk thing with him and I'm going to LA to tell him I love him…" she took a breath. "Thought you would like to know." There was a heavy silence during which Buffy swore she could hear Giles take off his glasses and worry the surface with his shirt. "Buffy…are you certain this is what you want?" "Yes." He clicked his tongue against his teeth. "I don't approve, I think you know that already." "I know." "Think about all the things you will be missing if you decide to pursue a relationship with him, children, growing old together, any chance at normalcy." Buffy remembered the safe haven on his arms, the way their eyes had connected in his final moments at the hellmouth, the heat that had nothing to do with the flame that consumed their hands. Her voice was choked up as she answered him. "Think what I will be missing if I'm not with him."

Giles knew as soon as she spoke that sentence that the battle was lost. "Buffy, just please…be careful." "So…are we okay?" "While I don't agree with your decisions, you are an adult, and I appreciate you being honest with me." "Giles…you have always been like a father to me and I love you." "B,buffy." Giles stuttered suddenly. "Sorry Giles, it' this new emotional thing I'm trying out." He chuckled warmly. "I love you too Buffy. " "So, if we're done, can I talk to Dawn?" "I'm sorry she's out right now. But she has that infernal cell contraption with her." Buffy laughed. "Join us in this century Giles." "Yes very funny. Now would you like the number or not?" Buffy jotted down the information and said a hasty goodbye. "Two down." She smiled to herself, dialing her sister.

"Sup?" the teenager answered cheerily. "Dawn?" Silence for a moment. "Now I know this can't be my sister Buffy cause she hasn't bothered to answer my phone calls for a least a month." Buffy flinched with guilt. "I know. I'm sorry." "I could have been dead, or maimed, possibly become a stripper." "WHAT? Is there something you need to tell me?" "Just saying you haven't been around, lots of things change." Buffy could hear the hurt in her voice. "I'm really sorry Dawn. I've just been…" "Busy? Mourning? Adjusting? Well I have too, and newsflash! Giles isn't exactly the best person to talk to about boys, or emotions or anything other than books really." She had to stifle a laugh as she realized just how much Dawn sounded like her. "He does try though, he's just so…" "British." They said in unison, both breaking off in a soft chortle. "Dawn, I have to tell you something." "What is it? Is it bad?" "I don't think so." "Well just tell me already." "Spike's alive." She could hear the sound of the phone being dropped as she waited for a response. Finally after several moments Dawn whispered. "Alive?" "Yes." "How is that even possible?" "I don't know, I'm on my way to LA to find out." "He's in LA?" she asked incredulous. "With Angel?" Buffy make a soft noise in agreement. "Buffy, are you sure? Spike hates Angel." "I know…I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes." "What? What aren't you telling me?" "Lots Dawnie, and I want to talk about it, I want us to reconnect, but right now I have to do this…I hope you understand." Dawn sighed. "Okay Buffy, call me when you're done with this…and can you tell him something for me?" "Of course." "The last thing I told him before he died was good luck…can you tell him I forgive him?" Dawn's voice was shaky. "OH! And punch him for not telling us he was alive, the big jerk." Buffy smiled into the phone, cracking her knuckles as she replied. "Oh don't worry Dawn that is the first thing on my list."

"Xander here." "Um..hi." "Buff?" "Yeah it's me. You almost sounded like a grownup…it's kinda weird." "Yeah well that's what happens when you are a commander of a bunch of Slayers." "You grow up?" "No, you get better at sounding like one so no one calls your bluff." She laughed into the phone. "It's good to hear from you." "I would have called sooner but I have been out of commission." "Yeah. Faith would call us with updates every couple of weeks." "It should have me been calling you." "Well I have a lot more to talk about with you, with Faith there's all that weird sexual tension…" he teased before suddenly getting serious. "So what is it Buffy? Should we be worried?" "Depends." "On what?" "On how you feel about Spike?" "Spike? "he paused. "I don't know why we are talking about him, but disgust about covers what I feel for him." "Oh." Buffy said deflated. "But…since I am trying to grow as a person I have to admit grudging respect for what he did for you, you have to have some pair to sacrifice yourself." His voice caught in his throat and she knew he was thinking about Anya. "And also as much as I have to fight back the vomit to say this…he loved you. I hate that he loved you but he did." "He's alive." She said quickly before she had the nerve to back down. "Oh…well then I take it all back. But Buffy, if you're calling for my approval, you aren't going to get it." "Oh." "Because you don't need it. " "Huh?" "You're a big girl Buffy. And if you love him, you love him. I don't get it, but I don't have to get it. It's time to grow up. Me most of all." "Again I say huh?" "I've been a royal ass. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else, and if Spike makes you happy…I don't get it, and please for the love of God don't explain it, but I love you and I support you." Buffy was crying on the other end of the phone as she answered. "You really have grown as a person." "Yeah, but don't tell anyone. They will give me more to do." "I love you Xander. Thank you so much." "Anytime. Try to call me more often than once every couple of months." "I promise." And she meant it.

After she hung up with Xander , rain began to pour down from heavens. She had nothing else to distract her except for the monotonous swish of the windshield wipers against her windows. Every swing of the wipers brought forth a memory. _"I'm drowning in you Summers, I'm drowning in you." _ Swish _"Every night I save you." _Swish _"I will never be your girl!" _Swish _"I'm sorry William." _Swish "_I believe in you Spike." _Swish "_I love what you are, what you do." _Swish _"It was the best night of my life." _Suddenly the silence in the car was far too loud as she blasted the radio and attempted to concentrate on something other than Spike. She took a chug from her coffee cup. "It's going to be a loooong drive." She concluded, clicking on the cruise control.

**Sorry it was so long, just needed to get that out of the way…next chapter BUFFY and SPIKE are FINAL-FUCKING-LY reunited! YAY!**


	10. Chapter 10

A.N: Finally the last chapter, sorry it has taken me so long to get here, but as per usual school and works come first...I miss being a kid **sigh** Anywho I am hoping to include some sort of epilogue for this. Thanks so much xXriujooXx for your support :) Here we go! Oh and in case you haven't figured it out I am NOT Joss Whedon so I don't own squat.

Buffy felt like she was going to be sick as she pulled into the Wolfram and Hart parking lot. Which made sense since she was running on eight cups of coffee and her jitters had gotten so bad she thought she might look like she was seizing. She gripped the steering wheel, leaning her head against it and took one long, steadying breath. Sweeping a hand through her locks she threw the door open and stepped out into the fresh air. "Well," she sighed. "It's now or never."

Spike perched on the edge of Angel's desk, twiddling one of his pens between his fingers as Angel turned slowly in his chair. "Spike," he breathed, grinding his teeth together. Spike grinned cheekily at him. "Oh hey, didn't see you there." Angel snatched the pen from his hand, placing it in a drawer and glared at the blond. "Oi! I was planning on nicking that!" Spike cried. "What part of last warning didn't you get?" he asked as Spike lazily lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. Angel squared his shoulders and rose to full height. "Let me make it clear for you then. You are not allowed in my office...ever." "You know...you're awfully defensive." Angel brow furrowed as he held his gaze with Spike. "I don't like you." "Feelings mutual, but it's more than that," Spike commented tilting his head to the side. "Spike,just get the hell out." he growled. Spike opened his mouth to speak, comment cut off by the high pitched shriek of Harmony outside.

Buffy stared at the receptionist for a full minute before she pulled up her head, looking bored. "Wolfram and Hart, how may I help you..." she broke off momentarily as Buffy smiled nervously at her. "Um hey Harmony I'm just looking for," "Oh my god!" she squealed, practically jumping over the desk to crush Buffy in a hug. "It is soooooo good to see you! I mean last time I saw you, you were all chained up and stealing my man," "Actually Harmony," "But that's all in the past! Cause now I'm good, pretty much all the time, and Spike...I'm sooooo over him. Please. He's like a total ball of ick!" she rolled her eyes before continuing. "I mean the last guy I killed, well I think his name was Tom." "That's nice Harmony, but I'm here looking for..." Buffy tried to break into the girls ranting. Harmony was not phased. "You see he slept with me and then didn't call me! What a butt hole right, but that was a long time ago and what am I a saint? Then there was," Buffy gripped her arms tightly, pushing away from her. "Harmony!Listen to me, I'm looking for," "Buffy?" the voice was soft from behind her and her heart broke at the sound of it. She turned meeting his eyes as he stared at her. Neither moved...neither breathed.

Spike shot Angel a look that promised they would finish this conversation later before stepping out of the office as the door closed behind him loudly. He could see Harmony talking off some poor girls ear and as he approached he realized with shock who it was. Suddenly everything faded except for the golden tresses in front of him and the smell of vanilla and sweat. He swallowed once, twice, throat suddenly dry with the ambrosia that was her in the air. His feet carried him until he within arms length of her, hands opening and closing in anticipation of having her there again. He opened his mouth to speak, swallowing around the emotion choking him. "Buffy?" She turned then meeting his eyes as he strained to contain the flood inside of him. God she looked better than he remembered. She just stared at him, eyes mirroring the astonishment he felt.

"Spike." she said finally, closing her eyes for a moment. She felt momentarily blinded by the torrent of feeling he was expressing with just his eyes. Their bodies were rigid, neither one able to move as Spike lowered his eyes. "I um..." Buffy stuttered suddenly, anxious to break the standoff they were in. "Yeah?" he questioned, cocking one eyebrow. She forced back the tears that came to her eyes at so familiar a gesture, the catch in her voice betraying her as she stated softly. "I missed you." He brushed one hand over her face, catching liquid that was running down her cheek. "I've missed you too Buffy." the emotions that were there were so raw, so fragile as Buffy reached up to touch his own hand softly. They stood that way for awhile, anchored only by the gentle embrace that their fingers were entwined in. She smiled up at him, taking in her surroundings. "Looks like you upgraded from the basement." Spike removed his hand, sensing the moment of intimacy passing. "Suppose." he stated, shrugging both shoulders as he placed his hands in the pockets of the duster. Buffy wanted desperately to throw her arms around him and confess her undying love, but she had made a promise that she would settle things with Angel first and give her and Spike a fresh start. "Do you know where I can find Angel?" she questioned, immediately regretting it as his face darkened."Right this way." he grumbled, stomping off as Buffy followed close behind.

'Of course she was here to see Angel! How could he have been so stupid! It was ALWAYS Angel. Fucking asshole...How he hated him.' Buffy was saying something to his right and he shot a glare at her that had stopped her words mid sentence. 'How could she do this to him? Looking at him that way, like she actually gave a damn? Like she loved him! The bitch! She came all this way to what, come back to Angel?' He swallowed the bile rising up in his throat, he was quickly being consumed by his rage, as the corners of his vision became tinted with red. He didn't even bother to knock as he threw the heavy wooden double doors to the side and called out without bothering to hide the disgust in his voice. "Honey, we're home!"

Buffy flinched as the wooden doors collided into the wall. She has been trying to explain to Spike that she didn't come here for Angel when he had turned and shot her a look that made her blood run cold. Spike circled the room, before whirling on her. "Well look likes he's not here, guess you will have to go come back some other time...thanks for stopping by." he grabbed her by the elbow trying to push her out of the room. She wretched out his grip. "Spike stop it." she warned, starting to get irritated. "Look, you don't have to play nice. You came here for Angel and he's not here, so you are free to sod off now." his voice was low, and menacing and Buffy felt her tolerance being tested. "Spike, if you would just shut up and listen.." "Listen? What the fuck do you want me to listen to Buffy? How you want to be with Angel? That's fine, go,be with the bloody bastard, but don't spend another second pretending that you actually care!" he boomed. It was too much. After the night she had,and the feelings raging inside of her...it was too much. She reared back and punched him hard, a loud crack echoing in the office.

His head cocked back from the force as she stifled a gasp. "I didn't mean to..." Spike puffed out his chest,steeling his eyes at her. "Right then, you came, you punched, sorry I don't have a bleeding T-shirt for you." he mumbled, moving to get past her. Buffy panicked, her heart tightening in her chest as she watched Spike leave. This wasn't supposed to happen, she came here to win him back not drive him away. "Spike, wait!" she cried out, death gripping his elbow. "Hey! Watch the leather!" he yelped as her hand tightened. She pressed her forehead into his back. "Don't go." she pleaded as he let out a loud sigh. "What do you want Buffy?" he questioned, turning to face her, crossing his arms across his chest. "Okay, okay give me a minute." "Minute starts now love." "Look, I didn't mean for that to happen, it just did." "Most punches to the face, in particular to me, don't just happen." he stated, narrowing his eyes at her. "I know. And I'm sorry just..." "Thought you would take out your frustration on my face?" "No! Yes...I don't know." "Minutes almost up." Buffy met his eyes, unnerved. "Spike, I'm running on eight cups of coffee and about fourteen hours of trying to come up with the perfect speech...not to mention after effects of a spell, give me a break would ya?" He uncrossed his arms, taking in her features for the first time.

She looked tired, deep set lines in her face revealing that it had been far too long since she had a good nights sleep, her hair was lackluster, thrown into a messy ponytail. Her lips were quivering...Spike had never seen her lips quiver before. And her eyes, there was so much emotion, so much tethered feeling that Spike felt as if he was drowning in them...so much so he took in a deep breath. "I'm listening." he whispered as she smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you." He sat in the nearest chair. "Go on then." "Right. Me with the going." she twisted the corner of her shirt almost painfully, tugging on the material harshly. "Buffy love...just say what you need to say." "Okay but don't interrupt." Spike pantomimed locking his mouth shut as Buffy chuckled.

"So I wouldn't exactly say we had the best relationship," she paused as he nodded silently in agreement. "But then I wouldn't exactly say I treated you like a relationship. More like a pain and sex buddy... and I'm sorry for that." Spike held her gaze, following her with his eyes as she paced the floor. "I mean I didn't have the whole story back then, I was missing a lot of the important stuff, like the deleted scenes or something, but then...I saw it. I saw you." Spike quirked an eyebrow at her, opening his mouth to speak. "Just wait Spike, if I don't get it out now, I may never say it." he nodded. "I needed to speak to Angel, because I needed to make things right with him, before I could make things right with you. When Angel left me...he took the best part of me with him. I felt like half a person and I couldn't trust anyone." Spikes mouth had twitched into a sneer at the mention of Angel but he remained silent. "And then Riley...well that is another set of mistakes. But here's the thing...you loved me. Bitch me, stupid me, reckless me, self destructive me...you took the good with the bad and there was so much bad in me after I came back from heaven it was too exhausting to think about trying to claw back up to the good. So I used you...and abused you and let you shower me with compliments because I was looking for some self worth. You somehow managed to find the worst part of me. And you loved it." she took a shaky breath, releasing the tears that were free flowing down her face.

"Then that...thing happened" Spike hands clenched tightly as she continued. "And you got your soul and...well I started to think there might be something in me that could love something in you. But that took me back to when I hated myself and you so much I could barely breath, so I tried to run, and then I was lost without you, so I let you hold me together. The night we made love for the first time, I felt like I was home." she smiled fondly at him. "And then I told you... I told you I loved you." Spike smiled at the memory. "And you...you told me I didn't. I mean really who do you think you are telling me what I feel and don't feel and then dying for me but not really dying?Like your just some smarty smart ass guy!" she jabbed her finger into his chest, before pulling back sheepishly. "That's not the point and we will talk about that later, the point is... I love you." His head shot up at her statement, challenging the validity in it. "I love you Spike, it may have taken me awhile to realize it, and you may not even feel that way anymore, but I needed you to know that I without a doubt love you."

He stood towering over her as she rambled. "And I told Xander, and Dawn and Willow and Giles because I'm proud of it you know. Proud of us...if there is an us, not that there needs to be an us, just if you wanted an us," Spike grabbed her arms. "Buffy," "Yes?" "Shut up." he said with a chuckle as his lips descended on hers. She entwined her fingers in his hair, lips responding greedily to his own. This is what she had been missing, this fire and passion and...dare she say it, love. "Spike," she mumbled. "I love you." he pulled back, eyes shining with unshed tears. "Say it again." he requested as she peppered kisses on one cheek and then switched to the other. She ghosted a kiss on his eyes before leaning into his ear and whispering. "I love you."

It was an hour before Spike and Buffy emerged from the office, an hour spent reacquainted themselves with each others bodies and sharing stories of new battle wounds. An hour spent making a connection, playing with each others hair, kissing every inch of flesh. An hour spent laughing and falling in love all over again. Buffy flushed as she tried to straighten her hair, laughing as Spike attempted to untangle it. "I think it's useless." she sighed, leaning onto his arm as he snaked it around her waist. "Well leave it. It looks cute." "It looks like we just had sex shamelessly in some random office." Spike snickered. "Well we did." "I know, but it's kinda embarrassing." "I think it's endearing." he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "You are kind of biased." "Yeah well, I'll rip off anyone's head who says anything different." "My, how romantic." he snorted softly. "William bloody Shakespeare pet." her eyes lit up. "Really? Tell me something Shakespearey" "One half of me is yours, the other half yours-Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,And so all yours." she shivered at the feel of his breath at the nape of her neck and in her ear. She did a quick look around before grabbing one of his labels. "Do you have anymore poetry?" "Yeah, why?" "Save it." she said, before pulling him out the Wolfram and Hart building and speeding the whole way to his apartment.

Meanwhile...

Angel sighed wearily, rubbing his hands together as he plopped into his office chair. He took a deep, unnecessary breath and scrunched his nose up in disgust. "What the..." he questioned, stalking over to his couch. He took another breath a pleasant, almost heavenly smell being overlapped with...SPIKE! "This can't be happening." Spike and Buffy's scent was all over his sofa. "Harmony!" he bellowed and moments later the blond burst through the doors with a "Yes Bossy." "I need a new sofa, don't ask why, just get me one. And this one," his thumb jerked in the direction of the current sofa. "Burn it." "Yes sir!" she answered cheerily as he left her behind in the office, leaving her to stare after him. "He's so weird." she concluded.

**Ok...done! I like it...it took me literally all day to get this done and I quite like it. Hope you do to!(you know who you are) oh and I have the epilogue to squeeze in some good ol fashioned spike and angel bickering. I just felt like I would be forcing it in this chapter and I wanted to concentrate mostly on Buffy and Spike. Thanks for sticking with me this long, i'll try to have the epilogue out within the next couple of days and then this will be finished! :D YAY! Ok happy day all**


	11. Chapter 11

A.N.: It's that time again…time for the epilogue. I am going to wrap this puppy up. Thank you for so much for the continued support xXriujooXx. Shout out to William Shakespeare for his use of poetry in the last chapter, and of course to Joss for making the best characters. Also some of this will be taken from NFA, some of it from my own jumbled mind. Long live Spuffy! Till next time

-Beckydaspaz

Spike shifted his weight between his feet, rocking back on his heels as Buffy took his hand. "I'm coming back. Try not to look so sad." "Yeah I know." He muttered. "I have responsibilities…I have to go." She whispered, touching her forehead to his chest. Immediately his fingers tangled themselves in her hair, she sighed at the comfort of his touch. "You just got here…" She smiled up at him, leaning into to kiss his lips. "And I'll be back before you know it." He looked unsure, trying to hide the fear he felt by turning his head. "Well if you have to go." He jerked his head toward the door. 'How could she make him understand that she was coming back?' Her eyes brightened suddenly as she pulled away from him. "I'll be right back." She announced, tearing out of his door before Spike could even blink. She was back within minutes and as the door opened up and the sunlight caught on the wicked blade, Spike beamed widely. "Bullocks, there is no way you just happened to have that on you." He teased as she held out the scythe at arms length. "A girl's got to know how to accessorize." She nudged him with it softly. "Take it." She commanded as his hand closed around the weapon. "Buffy…I don't understand." She smiled fondly, caressing his hand that was gripping the scythe. "Now both of my favorite things will be here, I'll have to come back." He didn't reply, just crushed her to his chest in response.

Several weeks later…

Spike was drenched, and cold and all around miserable as he took his place next to Angel. "Well looks like we've done some good after all." Angel spared him a glance with a soft "Yeah." as Illyria dropped into the alleyway, landing with a soft thud. "Wesley's dead." She stated, standing as still as a statue. "I'm feeling grief for him. I wish to do more violence." She says resolute as both vampires nod at her. Spike looks around as Angel says. "She's not coming Spike." "Tell that to your twice burned sofa." Spike smirks as Angels groans. "You still owe me a new one." "Put it on my tab." Angel smiles half assed at him, trying to come up with a quick retort as it is smothered by a cacophony of noise in the background. "Looks like we have company." Gunn says jogging up to them holding his side. Blood is seeping through his trembling fingers. "You're supposed to wear that red stuff on the inside Charlie Boy." Spike comments, as he and Angel help Gunn to sit down. The noise gets louder, shadows now playing across the buildings. Spike and Angel share a knowing look, turned away from Gunn to get ready to fight. Spike went to draw the scythe from his back, startled when someone from behind gripped it.

She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and he had to fight back as sob as she joined him by his side. "Did you miss me?" he just nodded, unable to trust that he wouldn't burst into tears if he spoke. He was ashamed to admit it but he hadn't been completely sure that she would come back for him. She weighed the weapon in her hands, looking as if she was reacquainting herself with it. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "I missed you too." Spike smirked at her. "Well since you went and took my toy, a fellow can assume you brought me something?" Buffy pulled a broad sword from behind her, handing it to Spike. "I love you." He gushed as she laughed softly. "Sweet talk later…killing unspeakable evil now." "Wait a tic, how did you know we would be here? " "I didn't. Willow did." Buffy said sweeping her arm towards the army she had brought with her. "I thought I would bring some friends." Angel locked eyes with her for just a second, giving her a look that said 'we will talk about this Spike thing after we don't die.' She nodded at him. "And thanks." He mouthed silently, as a brunette bounded up to him. "Yo! Is this a private party or can anyone join?" Angel turned to smile at Faith. Buffy smiled at Spike as the hordes or demons came closer and closer. "Hey B, what do you think…20 points for the big ones." Buffy smiled, shook her head. "Nah, 50." Faith pushed the air enthusiastically. "Alright," she paused, pointing to the blonde slayer. "I'm SO gonna kick your ass." "As if!" she replied disengaging herself from Spike's side. "Bet me." "You're on!" Spike readied himself as his girl turned to smile reassuringly at him. The bloodlust in her eyes was sexy as hell. "In terms of a plan?" he directed at Angel. "We fight." He replied. "Bit more specific." Angels' eyes traveled skyward to the dragon that was circling them. "Well personally, I kind want to slay the dragon." he lifted his sword, preparing for battle. Spike followed suite. Angel turned smiling at the army behind him, the God to his left, the two feisty Slayers in front of him who were already in battle and lastly at Spike. "Let's go to work." He said, swinging his sword into the first demon in front of him.

A.N.: And it's done! Hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Sorry if you didn't like the changed to NFA, I just evened the playing field a little bit :P That's all folks :D


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